the loveliest librarian

“When do we get our costumes?”

Valerie smiled. “Everyone loves the costumes. Each of you has an extensive period wardrobe in your room, and you are strongly encouraged to remain ‘in character’ for your stay. Most visitors choose to do so, as it heightens the experience here.”

There were nods and murmurs of assent from the group.

No problem, Paris thought. Having spent nearly thirty years molding herself into what she thought other people expected from her, the opportunity to be another person felt excitingly freeing.

As she collected her room key from Valerie, she said, “I can’t wait to explore the town.”

“There’s plenty of time before dinner. Are you the librarian?”

Paris noded. “How did you know?”

“A gal gets good at sizing peole up quickly in this business.” [p. 2-3]

Title: Untamed
Creator: Lawless, Kathleen
Publisher: Pocket Books
Date: 2005
Type: Text

There are two rooms on the floor where his bedroom is, both higgledy-piggledy with dolls, puppets, boxes stage sets, costumes and drawings. Part of my job was to bring order to this, to make an inventory of the hundreds of creations he’s lost track of over the years, to take and upload photographs, add descriptions, create categories, and generally bring my cataloguing skills to a whole new realm.

But first I needed to sort out his office because his paperwork and admin systems were a mess. It was easier said than done. I was constantly having to question him. “Do you really need invoices from 2001?” “Which of these magazines do you want?” “What about a filing system for catalogues?” “Why don’t we try and separate out museum stuff, business stuff and your own art?”

“You’re such a librarian,” he teased.

“Hey, librarians aren’t what they used to be,” I replied. “We surf the information super highway, you know.” I did a surfer move, riding a wave. “Some of us don’t even bother with books these days. We’re hip, we’re cutting edge, we’re cool.” [p. 44-45]

Title: Split
Creator: Lloyd, Kristina
Publisher: Black Lace
Date: 2007
Type: Text

Miss Pynchon was already at her desk when Monique showed up that Monday morning. Monique looked nervously at the clock on the desk: eight-thirty. She was half an hour early. She breathed a sigh of relief; for a moment, she thought her watch might be wrong, and she might have been late. In the Library, the consequences of being late were extreme.

“Good morning, Miss Pynchon,” said Monique meekly taking her seat at the desk opposite her supervisor’s. There was a stack of antique books for processing; it was Monique’s job to affix the bar codes on the inside front cover and record the process in her logbook. This stack of books, like all books in Monique’s section of the Library, was a collection of antique books that Miss Pynchon had acquired at auction on behalf of an anonymous donor.

Miss Pynchon didn’t look up from her work as she said, “Good morning, Monique. That’s a new dress, isn’t it?”

Monique nodded. “Yes. I bought it on Sunday at Flirt!”

Miss Pynchon didn’t look up as she said, “A little tight, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Miss Pynchon.”

“Tsk, tsk.” [p. 3]

Title: Borrowing Privileges
Creator: Morley, N. T.
Relation: The Library
Publisher: Venus Book Club
Date: 2002
Type: Text

She was completely unaware that her particular level of dishevelment, normally caused from thinking about sculpture while assigning call numbers, worked to imbue her bookish physical authority with such a level of chaos that men assumed she was a slut. Her easiness was further particularized, however, with a cool distance that arose from her own intense ambitions. Making art meant she had to keep a lot of herself for herself. The result was that as Audrey was chewing on a pencil, thumbing through an old edition on Kinetic Art, men watched thinking, “I’m a bad boy, she’d fuck me, and she wouldn’t call the next day because she’d be doing something smart and righteous.” Her set up was, to be blunt, irresistible. Many men in her life had been fascinated with the librarian stereotype.

Assumptions had run rampant that, sexually, Audrey’s co-workers should all have some kind of Jackie Bouvier perspective, infamously described by Gore Vidal as a notion that sex was untidy and therefore unappealing to the ultra-fastidious. Many times, Audrey’s inherent sexuality surprised and delighted her partners. She functioned like a properly ordered card catalogue. The neat logic to her approach and system made for a more direct and efficient interaction between patron and product. Audrey’s sexual encounters almost always ended in mutual orgasm. [p. 26-27]

Title: Sexy Librarian: A Novel
Creator: Weist, Julia
Publisher: Ellen Lupton
Date: 2008
Type: Text

Miss Pynchon, Senior Librarian, Monique’s boss and the head of the donor program, had been uncharacteristically kind to Monique and invited her.

Miss Pynchon had never shown much kindness to her single employee, expecting much work and little complaint from the quiet, withdrawn Monique. Miss Pynchon was perhaps thirty-five, and was not by any means an unattractive woman. But her stern manner, her authoritarian posture, her conservative clothes and horn-rimmed glasses, made Monique regard Miss Pynchon as an authority figure and not a friend. Monique always did as Miss Pynchon said, never called in sick and never showed up late. But Miss Pynchon had still never smiled at Monique, and had never offered her a kind word or thanks. Monique didn’t mind that she and Miss Pynchon weren’t closer; she had come to accept the stern treatment and even to appreciate it — it was more sterile, and allowed Monique to keep more of her personality hidden. Since so much of her personality involved sexual fantasies of extreme submission, it was much safer this way. [p. 17-18]

Title: The Library
Creator: Morley, N. T.
Relation: The Library
Publisher: Masquerade Books
Date: 1998
Type: Text

Title: Complicated
Creator: Adams, Zannie
Publisher: Ellora’s Cave
Date: 2007
Type: Text

not all that safe for work: (more…)

“What do you want?” she snapped.

“What I want.” He looked her up and down oafishly, lengthily, undressing her easily behind the short, buttoned, brown wool cardigan and the little provencal-flowered print skirt. “You know what I want, baby.”

“Come on.”

“Uh. I’ll have the second volume. I guess.”

“You have your library card?”

“Natch.”

“Take a seat.”

Turning, she wished she hadn’t. The boy was a registered reader and had a perfect right to take out what books he wanted to, and every one of them he had been requesting of her of late were inevitably located on the mezzanine level. She had to navigate the little iron spiral staircase in front of—or rather above—his gloating eyes. It was best done, Janet had discovered, as if he didn’t exist—which for her he didn’t, the moron—but still she nearly always came down flushing.

Janet Westwood had a remarkable figure for any woman of twenty-six, one quite incredible in a lady librarian. [p. 4-5]

Title: Janet, Librarian
Creator: Mello, Raphael
Publisher: Blue Moon
Date: 2000
Type: Text

Safely back at the desk, Marian congratulated herself for not killing anyone so far.

“I can’t find the phone book I need.”

It was an effort, but Marian plastered a smile on her face. Over the patron’s shoulder she saw Eric, travel mug in hand, veer abruptly toward the magazines, leaving her to deal with the woman she privately thought of as the Lead Bitch from the Seventh Dimension of Bitch Universe. “How pleasant to see you again. What area were you looking for?”

Seventh Dimension Bitch tossed her fluffy blond hair over her shoulder. There was something in the way she did it that made Marian absolutely certain that she should feel inadequate about her own short, dark, unremarkable hair. The woman had all the attitude of Trombone, but likely none of the purring. “Dallas, of course.”

“Of course,” Marian echoed. “I’m sorry, but the Iowa City Public Library no longer carries phone books for areas outside of the state. But you can use several different sources on the Internet. I’d be happy—”

“Never mind! You people never have what I want.” The departing flounce ruffled several papers onto the floor.

After tidying, Marian reached surreptitiously for another square of chocolate. Eric, the chickenshit, was back. Under her breath she said, “How long do you think it would take for someone to die from being repeatedly stapled?” [p. 4]

Title: One Degree of Separation
Creator: Kallmaker, Karin, 1960-
Publisher: Bella Books
Date: 2003
Type: Text

Title: The Hottest Librarian
Creator: Woods, Gary F.
Publisher: Oakmore Enterprises
Date: 1985
Type: Text

not all that safe for work:

(more…)